Frustration

I lately have become increasingly frustrated over a hundered different issues. I wont name them , just thought I would vent.

Living Regiment

This evening I was having a discussion with a friend on the phone. We were discussing something along the lines of eating food. After asking what they were eating while speaking with me, I follwed that statement with " Those arent chips your eating are they ? " They replied " No , they are not " I had said that I wouldnt eat chips past 5pm. The call was taking place around 8:50 . Then they countered and said what if its 5:01pm and you are offered chips? I would likely accept them. The point of the time is to keep a strict day while keeping in mind what I am eating and when.

Several comments were then passed back and fourth followed by laughter. We were talking about me being a officer and having a partner in the car with me and he would go and ask me of I wanted a sandwhich and chips for something to eat. That would be asked around 5:10 ( after my 5pm cut off). I would decline the chips , and if asked why I would say I have a regiment. There were a few other jokes and observations after.

My friend said , if all else fails I could be a cop on a tv show doing a comedy about my regimented lifestyle. They both would work well. It also wouldnt require much acting since it would be what I would want in real life , or close to.

Rules to live by :

Soda no earlyer then 10:30am and no later then 1:00am
Snack of any kind no earlyer then 12:30 and no later then 10:00pm
Taking a nap between 4:00 and 5:30 pm weekdays
Everyday between 2:30 and 4:00 make phone calls , emails etc

There are a million other things that during a course of 24 hours are done the same time everyday. Basically regiment is key to a productive day.

All these " habits" , I would never force on anyone, just little things I do.

Reflection

Reflection , it’s a funny thing. Something that you do looking back. I’ve done a lot of reflection today as I will tomorrow. There are many different things that have come up today that cause reflection. There also is a important day tomorrow that requires it. First , as I sit thinking about certain people , specific words come to mind : Why? How? When?. I can not answer these questions. All I can do is go on. Its clear that what was said and done is just fact. That’s ok. Is it me? I don’t know. The person is probably right in what they said. Destroying something is worse then the quick benefits.

( I am being vauge. I know. The need to vent never the less is still there. )

Another reason for reflection is tomorrow. Tomorrow would be my mothers 45th Birthday. 45 , seems so much older then I knew her. She was just barely 43 when she passed, 16 days after her Birthday. How strange it is to sit here talking about a day I cared so much about yet my own Mother , her birthday she didn’t care about. I think it was probably just another # , maybe it was more to her. My Mother , she was never one for parties. She never really thought much of celebration , unless it was for me. I think how in the later years , how unselfish she was to me. She never cared for herself as much as she did for my life and wellbeing.. I never realized it. I never saw that until it was too late. In the last few weeks of her life, as I would come home walking down my street from the bus, she would be at the front door waiting for me. I know what you are thinking, I am not in 2nd grade. Mom waiting for you at the bus stop?? But to me it was special. It was something that took strength to do and something she rarely did before. Her doing this was almost a stroke of luck , because she only did it at the end. It was the end none of us, not even her saw. As we all age, as years go by , we change. Hoping its for the better. I often think about the future as many of my readers would know. Its become clear to me that if I were to continue living in the future I am never going to appreciate the present. I will never enjoy the moment that’s going on now. Ofcourse I counter that saying , there is nothing to enjoy. That’s negative Matt talking.  .

So as October 21, 2004 passes by us, I remember my mother. When I pray each night , its not for my selfish requests or anything like that , its for my mother. I hope every night she is in a better place and no longer ill.

Everyday is a new day. It’s another day to grab hold of and have the potential for a a great day.

Wanting

I so badly want to be 5 years ahead in my life. I want to visit my grandparents, not live with them, looking 5 years ahead. I get so frustrated with the day to day with them. I love them, it’s just so incredibly time consuming with them. Nothing will ever change this. I want to have my own place whether it a house or apartment with a nice job. I want to be older in general, I don’t exactly enjoy this age so much. I am thinking that maybe if I fall asleep I will wake up 5 years ahead in time. Yes I know it’s not going to happen, but something has got to give. I keep saying to myself, college its going to be great to be at college on my own!!! I can taste the freedom.

I realize now that certain things in my life are not what they were. Certain issues need to be put to rest before I go off to college and certain tasks need to get done. I have a lot to do. Certain people need to be contacted and others need to fall off the face of this earth, if I have to help that process I would.

Before I leave to College I have to what I call "Old Proof" my house and grandparents .I have to get new cell phones for them, install a new security system in the house, find a landscaper for them since I will be gone, some financial things, help them look for a new house (a 2nd house) in Westbrook CT area and look over that house. I have to go through the 3 large attics while I am here and sort through that stuff out. There is more, I just can’t think of the rest now.

I am working on the book, its constantly being changed and revised. I have typed only 20 pages, 1 Chapter. Projected the book will be done by April of 2005.

Silverman’s tomorrow, traffic from 10-3. No Church. Ohwell. Looks like I cant make it to church until Oct.31st.

B is for Busy

Its Friday evening. I am sitting at home , watching tv , on the internet. Another usual Friday.

My schedule is going to be a bit nuts this weekend. Saturday AM I go to Westbook to look at more houses with my grandparents. Saturday Afternoon I do traffic etc at the Book Parade. Then dinner at my country club followed by a movie (Ladder 49). Sunday AM Church , then 11:00am to about 4pm Explorers , traffic at Silvermans etc. Get home after that, do hw then go down street and have dinner with neighbors.

Other then that , I am planning for when my relatives come from Sweden (Nov 15th to 30th). Also I have to go to 3 different doctors this coming week. YAY!, off for a MRI after one visit. :(

Looks like I will be busy , not to mention the usual school work.

Another day in the books ...

Late arrival today. I had to call a friend to figure out what time school started. It might have been a short day of school , but felt like a normal one. My schedule was jam packed none the less.

EMT CH 4 exam today , human anatomy. My goodness it was hard. Its not just bones , its soo much more.

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I think I spend more time thinking about my future then I do the present. I think about where I will live in 5-10 years, what job I will have , kids, family etc. I cant wait for the future. My question is , am i wishing my life away? Or is it that I dislike my life now ?

Being a Dad

Well I am a proud parent of a African black-footed penguin at the Mystic Aquarium. 80$ a month or something to do this. I am very excited.

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Today was a good day. This am I went to PD to hang out for an hour. Then went home for lunch, then out shoppnig for clothes. After that I went to Westbrook with my grandparents to look at houses. They want a house on the water. They also like the area.

Its either Westbrook CT or Newport RI. I dont know. But I do know if they move when I am at college and I attend Salve Regina ( in Newport ) I am going to be very distrought. You gotta have a buffer zone.

9/11/04

The day started by waking at 5:00am to get dressed , get in the car , and drive into NYC. We were headed to ground zero. As I sinch my american flag tie nice and tight and put my blazer ontop my button down shirt, I looked at a picture of my mother , then looked at the t.v . On MSNBC were had photo's of 9/11/01 , pictures of the buildings on fire. After I stared at that ,I found a mirror ,made sure I looked respectful.

After the hour or so drive I realize how congested lower manhattan was and immediatley pursade my family to take a short cut towards canal st. We park the car walk a few blocks and there was ground zero. I followed the signs which brought us where the entrance was , I noticed how many people were un able to even enter. Maybe they were scared, upset , angry , who knows? I felt so sorry for them , for I was only going to pay respects to family friends and to my uncle's co-worker. I can't imagine the anger and sadness it is to loose a husband or son in this.

The names begin to be read, the people began to pile in. The 2 reflecting pools were begining to reflect the sun more and more. Flowers were being tossed or dropped in as a sign of repsect.

I stayed for the 2 moments of silence when the planes left the buildings , then I left.

My point and what I learned more so today , is that you never know when you may loose someone. Always say goodbye to someone as if its your last. You just never know.

Being Sergeant

This evening there was an Explorer meeting. New and welcomed faces showed up. Hopefully they become members.

The evening was comprised of serious discussion on what the post stands for, what we do, what is tolerable of members and many other logistical and policy type things. Many ideas were exchanged, which is good. Many ideas I think will be implemented.

At the end of the meeting out advisor (I will mention name) Officer Mark Pastor announced that I passed the exam and I was handed Srgt. Bars. At the second before he did this I presumed that I did not make it. After the meeting I was going to ask whether I made it or not. So it was all a nice real surprise.

Sergeant is as high as I will go in this post. This is the final and last step for me. Now its matter of conducting myself as one.

We also will have 3 new Corporal positions filled by next week.

This post is going in a new direction. It’s a positive one.

There once was a book

he book I was writing I scrapped entirely. I am starting over, a new format and revising some of the chapters to basically add more truth and details to them.

Expect this to be done before March of 2005. Its going to be very detailed and I think interesting, concentrating on my life and the stories of others with in it. The types of people I mention will vary greatly. If I need a name, I wont mention any one in specific unless I am allowed to , permission by individual.

Opportunity

I have been examining my opportunity from a social aspect. Right now, I wouldn’t say things look great. Maybe I am under estimating things. Who knows? Point is, right now it’s a wait game. Time, watching the second hand go by, anticipating something I am unsure will happen. Bottom line, time is something I happen have right now.

Looking at the other aspect of social improvement, is it worth it? A large majority of us will be going to college, but all of us will go our separate ways in June of 2005. That seems like a while away, but I assure you it isn’t. Likely I will make one more "move" this year. Overall I can say that my social experience with a girlfriend level or near about has been to say the least, interesting.

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I went to Ikea today , purchased a desk lamp for my office area. ( Go Sweden) I mowed my lawn and another also. Damn leaves ...

Pondering

As I sit pondering the value and point of High School reltionships , I sit reading a transcript about one that never had the chance to get off the ground. Its ok , I assumed it that way.

Pressuming there is no one during my high school years that transpires into a long term meaningful reltionship , does that say or mean anything about me? Short term , long term what ever, point is neither are occuring.

Bottom line , I will continue to make a effort likely for some time still , then I will simply abandon any hope that I had. During this time of still making a effort , I will try to improve myself on various things and then College here I come.

Rally

Today was a victory for everyone. I feel that a common ground was laid and the leaders can get to work on making the necessary adjustments in school. Sadly, the sign itself was vandalized. This is a setback to the process but should not deter us.

My grandfather became aware of all of this today after school when I had told him that I went to this rally. The rage and anger he felt and expressed was enormous. He did not understand why I had to be one of those kids that protests. I think he is picturing signs and the 60's all over again. He was very angry that I went to this and decided to in ways dis-approve with the administration. He said I should just go to school and study and that’s it. He also stated that we as highschoolers are too young to voice our opinion. I ask you what we would do if we didn’t. Where would we be? What kind of environment would study be in if it wasn’t for the few that speak there minds? It’s ridiculous to think that the rally today was inappropriate, or so my grandfather says. He is very narrow minded, doesn’t like to speak him opinions, goes with the majority and that’s it. He doesn’t like that I have a different opinion them him. I get so angry that now we won’t speak to each other for something as stupid as a difference in opinion.

Basically now he just will not know what happens at school or in my life. Simple as that.
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As far as anything else in life. Academics are going well. I get both my EMT exams back Monday, hoping I did well. I have to get my letters of recommendation done and obtain all the right applications for school next week.

What fun it will be.